I really need to thank my workplace for the incredible experience I have had there. It has revealed to me a side of me I wasn't aware existed - the dark side of my moon.

I feel much fuller and richer for the experience. To be consistently bullied over a long period of time (I may discuss this in a later entry) and to be so absorbed in such a dysfunctional environment, has taken me to a place in me that I didn't know about.

This place inside me has been there all along. My work environment is simply a reflection of aspects of myself thrown back at me to enable me to experience the fullness of myself.

It has made me more aware of myself and the impact that words and actions can and have had on me. I would not have had this awareness and understanding had I not had this experience.

I have spend the last year of my two and a half year employment at this organisation observing myself and others and our interactions. I have gone from being someone who speaks her mind to being someone who seldom says what she really thinks to the people that matter.

Fear and lack of confidence have stopped me in my tracks. I have felt impotent, worthless, invisible, incompetent and without purpose.

More latterly with the return of my sense of self-esteem there is something else that has stopped me also - my raised awareness, my desire to observe with as little interference as possible from my obvious self (the one who would speak out and stand up and be counted).

I am, therefore, very grateful for the experience of working there. I now have a greater awareness, understanding, empathy and compassion than I was ever aware of before. Again these aspects of me were always there. They just needed to be revealed to me in a way that made me appreciate them.

The richness, this experience has added to my life, is far greater than any pay rise could have been.

I am now stepping into the light away from the dark side of my moon with the knowledge that it is still there, still a part of me. It is part of what make me whole.

My appreciation of the light is enormous!

I quit my job recently. I had a straw that broke the camel's back moment. It was very trivial and was blown all out of proportion by everyone concerned, including me. I figured it was symptomatic of a greater issue.

In my job I have felt like a square peg in a round hole and for a long time I have been trying to knock the corners off my square peg to make me fit -but it doesn't matter how hard I try I just don't . I think, maybe, it is time to be me and find work that allows me to be me. My resignation, takes effect from the 2nd April. I have to give two months notice so I have plenty of time to think about my actions and contemplate my future. I have to say I feel much lighter. It was definitely the right thing to do. I feel like me again. It is a great feeling. I feel free.
I took two weeks off to work on the house. I am going to sell the house and move somewhere cheaper to live so I don't have a huge mortgage. William, my partner, and I are finally going to take the plunge and buy a house together. (This is a big step. Hopefully we will be able to find something mortgage free. Then we can get part-time jobs and both follow our interests. We are looking at somewhere in or around Wanganui.

There is a great art school in Wanganui! Yes, I am going to pursue my art and see where it takes me. I have put it off for long enough. I would much rather live my life feeling the way I do now, light and free, than live it feeling the way I did at work, heavy and tied down.

I knew I wasn't happy at work but I didn't realise how much I hated my work environment. It is amazing how we condition ourselves to cope with something that doesn't feel right.